take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
