I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
