i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
