I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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