Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
