R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize