You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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