I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
