If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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