Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
