He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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