i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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