I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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