Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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