Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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