I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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