I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
