You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
