i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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