So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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