Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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