The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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