At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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