2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Apparently you make a good broom.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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