Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
we should paint friendship bongs
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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