"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
