You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
