My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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