Your face is a jimmy john
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We need to get me chipped asap
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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