my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
