that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
