If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
