How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
