Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
