I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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