my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize