my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
