I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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