Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
