Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize