Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
