I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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