My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
3 2 1 whiskey
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
