I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
