NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
