my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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