I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize