Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
