She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
