Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
