you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize