Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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