Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
