if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
