we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
