I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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