My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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