Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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