I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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