Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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