my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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