Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize