and you said cock pushups were impossible
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
